I WAS AFRAID THAT IT WOULD BE TOO LATE, I"M RELIEVED, THEY DIDN'T GROW AS MUCH AND STILL LOVE ME FROM THAT ENFANTIN LOVE.
They did not know that I would still be here. They run and jump into my arms shouting "Barbara, I missed you." It is for that moment that I stayed. I was afraid it would be too late, I'm relieved they didn't grow as much and still love me from that enfantin love. I wonder why, I always forget to wish them their birthday, and never offer them anything. They have so much. I never found necessary to consolidate those materialistic walls which take shape around them.
Every day I postponed my departure to stay with my niece and nephew. Those moments are so rare, why go, nothing and no one is waiting for me, except my ego who thinks to be more important, who wants to feel alive through sacrifice, lured by the potential future success of the work that have to be performed. But what if success was already here? In the time I would take with my niece and nephew to let them understand who is this crazy aunt, who always do as she wishes to live the life she wants and show them that there are other possible paths?
Axel wants to go on an adventure with me, I take him only 20 km away with the van to spend the night together in the nature. He is so brave, he wants to face his fear of the dark with me. Hand in hand we walk under the stars. How could we see the stars if the dark didn't exist? Axel begins to understand. Later he asked me to close the door of the van and make sure it is properly locked. He is more reasonable than me! "And if someone come in the night?" he says. I answered there is little chance, we're in the middle of nowhere, why would you think that someone may come? We have those kind of fears since childhood. I was little when I learnt to hunt them, speaking to this presence that we sometimes can feel behind us. I told them to get the hell out and to leave me alone, I was 10 years old. They come back from time to time and I keep chasing them.
As for Cassandra, I simply would warn her about those choices that she will have to make in the future, to not fall in the trap of what she believes wanting and what she really desire to experiment. With the influences of the media and others we tend to dream superficial and meaningless things. It is within us that we can find our dreams.
Later Cassandra sent me an invitation to subscribe to her blog she recently created, "like you" she said, but she would write and share things of her own interests.
Finally, I would stay until the end of their stay. We spent our last nights together sleeping under the stars to watch the shooting stars and making wishes. It is those moments that I want to offer them. I can't wrap them with paper gift, but who cares.